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What destroys more writers than sunlight, absinthe addiction and ill-fitting berets combined? Having kids. Which is why an anthology like Double Lives: Writing and Motherhood is such a marvel. Not only is it the first Canadian literary anthology that focuses on mothering and writing, it was edited by three writers who happen to be mothers, Shannon Cowan, Cathy Stonehouse and Fiona Tinwei Lam. A former lawyer and accomplished poet, Lam took time from her busy schedule to nurture the Courier's 10 Questions and discuss mom jeans, her intimate knowledge of Raffi and how much her six-year-old son Robbie gets for allowance.
1. Besides draining your bank account and killing your dreams, how else does having children affect writers?
(I would never put it that way.) Several authors in Double Lives talk about how the whole rhythm of writing changes. The weight of caring for an utterly vulnerable, unique being who depends on you to survive and thrive takes all you can give, especially during the infant/toddler stage or if your kid has special needs or if you have several kids. There aren't those huge swathes of clear uninterrupted time to wrap yourself into a project with undivided attention. If there's no childcare, it can be difficult to go to writing conferences, studios, workshops, and festivals, let alone write… So dreams may be waylaid or submerged for a while, but if you have the will, ability and desire, they'll come back. Anyway, having a kid fulfilled one of my most important dreams.
2. How did having a child benefit your writing?
The authors in Double Lives describe how you enter a completely different dimension of understanding the world and your place in it when you become a parent. My son has been a fabulous source of inspiration–his openness has opened me. Having a child connected me to my family and ancestors and to the future in a way nothing else could. On a concrete level, you can learn to become much more efficient and focused with what limited time you manage to negotiate for your writing. I'm still learning.
3. Have you found any common strategies among women writers in regards to balancing writing and raising children?
It's basic advice: as with everything, keep a sense of humour, never stop feeding the muse or writing, establish a good support network for both your writing and your parenting.
4. Does raising children affect women writers differently than men?
As a result of social conditioning and/or biological imperatives, many women might feel an all encompassing responsibility for every aspect of their child's welfare. Physiological and hormonal changes during pregnancy, birth and nursing can be very powerful. Also, despite social changes, many women continue to be responsible for the bulk of childrearing and housekeeping (with of course some exceptions)–and they may also be responsible for caring for aging parents or sick family members. And there's the oppressive, not so hidden ideology of what constitutes a "good mother" vs. a "bad mother" that we often feel compelled to live up to.
5. How familiar are you with the musical stylings of Raffi?
Intimately.
6. Do you have a favourite children's performer?
Dan Zanes is cool–rootsy, bluesy, funky, funny. My son loves the Warner Brothers' Loony Tunes–they're hilarious and timeless. The animated Christmas classics (the old Frosty, Rudolf, Charlie Brown) are good. But beware: The Little Drummer Boy contains scenes of arson, murder, kidnapping, forced child labour, animal abuse and post traumatic stress disorder.
7. Saturday Night Live once did a fake commercial for a product called "mom jeans," which were high on the waist and pleated. Have you ever worn "mom jeans"?
But they didn't have pleats.
8. As a former lawyer, what lawyer techniques have you used in child rearing?
On rare occasions, cross-examination techniques can come in handy. Nothing like a few leading questions when you're kid goes monosyllabic on you. But the communication skills I learned in a Justice Institute mediation course have been the most valuable, echoed almost verbatim in the parenting textbook How to Talk So Kids Will Listen.
9. How much do you give your son for allowance?
Twenty-five cents a week. I'll increase it when literary journals give me more than a free copy and $40 a poem or story (that may have taken weeks or months to complete).
10. Because writing is a solitary process and having kids is the antithesis of that, do you ever feel like you suffer from multiple personality disorder?
Definitely, and my son will write a searing, bestselling memoir about it one day.
I can’t wait to read this!